Rationalization

I should be putting all the furniture in the tiled areas because we've got the carpet cleaners coming tomorrow...but I'm taking some time to blog because if I don't do it right now it will just spill out of my memory and be lost forever.

Lot's of thoughts in my head. Recently Compulsive Writer had a discussion about standards - how far is too far in a physical relationship for someone who is older ...working a a second marriage possibly.

Then there was this discussion posed by Amy about good enough.

Then there is this constant crab like behavior I see... so I'm trying to get it all down into words so I can at last... sleep easily at night. Ideas I don't get down just haunt me in my thoughts day and night. So ...here's to some nice snoozing tonight.

When someone asks a question... "so, how far, is too far?" I'm of the opinion that we aren't looking for a real answer - we're looking for someone to help justify the guilty feeling/action we're planning on or doing. I think that we inherently know. We just do.

I used to get annoyed at this one boyfriend who would stop a particularly enjoyable kissing moment by saying, "I need to stop, I would be uncomfortable doing this if my Mom was around." I was a girl who loved to kiss. I didn't kiss a boy until I was 19 - so by then it was like - this is what I was missing baby...let's get it on. I used to think in my head - "HELLO. Your Mom isn't here..." BUT I was missing the fact that in general, guys and gals are wired differently. I didn't realize this until I was married. I was that naive - yes. Guys can't just turn it on and off easily - they are easily turned on...yes... but I, in my naivete didn't have a clue. I feel bad for those poor boys I must've tortured with my love of kissing and playful teasing. I had no idea...until after I was married just what I was doing. (you may laugh...)

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine, we were talking about raising boys ... she said she really felt bad for those young boys in Jr. High. You see all these young girls dressed... too tight, too short...too skanky for anyone...and they had no idea what they were doing to these poor boys who looked like they couldn't stop shaking. They tried not to look but couldn't help it and the girls would just bump and brush up against them innocently... and these poor boys were just in a complete craze of hormones.

I was that girl at church that was annoyed when they gave chastity talks. I was annoyed because it seemed to me that they were putting a lot of emphasis on our role, as young women, in maintaining chastity for us and the boys. That annoyed me. It wasn't until I was married that I realized what a large role we play for these hormone driven boys. Men and women are just wired differently. We have different trigger points...

So when someone asks - if the guidelines the Church recommends to youth apply to someone in their 40s... I'd have to say... well if you're asking - then yes, yes they do apply. It's almost like that talk John Bytheway gave about kids asking ..."well how far is too far". Geez, if you have to ask - you know...and isn't it better to be talking about the opposite? About how to maintain a good conscience?

The truth is... I have no faith in adults. I grew up wearing rose colored classes... I thought with age brought natural wisdom. That was until I found out that adults I had thought had it together turned out to be complete messes. Just because you can have kids - doesn't mean you are mature enough to have them. Just because you have had sex - doesn't mean you have the will-power to resist it when you shouldn't be messing around.

It is disappointing to see fathers - who ought to be acting like adults - turn out to need their own children to remind them of who they are. Sad that there are adults who still don't know how to function as responsible humans. It's frightening really.

I've found that for some reason...these people all find a way - no matter how "nice" they are... to rationalize themselves out of doing the right thing. There's someone I know who is ... considered "nice" but has always been in my opinion - just weak. This person let his children take the rap when he was caught with porn...this person is now abandoning his children to start up another life with the money collected on his first wife's death. The kids are stunned, hurt and disappointed...but all I can think is... doesn't surprise me. He has no character and in my estimation - never had any character. This may or may not be an extreme case - but to me this type of person is disgusting. I believe you choose to be weak. You choose the road of ease, of least resistance. Weak people are easy to flit with wherever the wind blows them. True strength comes from standing against the challenges, the temptation and overcoming. We will never know how to fight if we always run.

I suppose that's how I feel about our best efforts. La Yen made a great comment in this discussion. It's how I feel about motherhood in many ways. I think I'm blessed in some respects - I just don't give a damn how someone else is raising their kids. I may make a comment to be sympathetic to others - but... to be truthful - I'm doing my thing it's mine. I don't wish to compare or compete. If I learn something from someone that I like - I apply it to my own family. I never realized what a weird thing it is not to feel guilty. I don't feel guilty. I figure we won't feel guilty if we know we're doing the best we can. If we are - we don't care about what others think of how we parent. We only care about how our kids think of how we parent. Because... isn't that what matters most? Our kids? Not what our neighbors or ward members or even family members think of us? I treat other Moms as an opportunity to learn something new...not as competition. It reminds me of this post my friend Pia posted about letting go... I think it applies to our concept of motherhood.

What does this mean for me? Well - it means that I have no problem with my kids watching Little Einsteins during breakfast. I'm selective about what they watch...I will not leave the TV on to some kids channel all day or all morning. I will monitor and limit TV. BUT... if I'm having a rough day and need a break - Einsteins or Charlie and Lola save the day.

This means that because I can buy local and organic I will. It means that because I value what goes into my own body, I will not give my kids any less because if I won't ingest it, why should I make my kids? It's all about our values. What do we value most.

This also means that I do not live vicariously though my kids. I will not sign my daughter up for dance because I was a bad dancer as a kid. (FYI, I was a rockin' dancer ...hahahah) It means extracurricular activities will be extras... that work for her schedule - not my desire to be able to say... my daughter is in soccer, karate, dance, violin, gymnastics, and math tutoring. Again, the focus is on the kid. Not on how you look to others. I believe a kid needs down time. So... we have three week-days of down time. LOVE that.

It also means I will NOT let my daughter wear clothes that "I wished" I wore. Is that why these teeny boppers are dressed inappropriately? Or is it because the Mom's have finally gotten the body they wanted all these years and the kids are treading in their footsteps? I dunno - it' frightens me for these girls sakes. I will not be that mother that is dressing inappropriately for her role as a woman. This doesn't mean I dress in sacks. ;-)

This also means that I allow play dates - with kids I think are good influences on mine and vice versa. This doesn't mean I'm leaving my kid with whomever, whenever.

These are just some of my values as a parent. Which means, it's mine - not necessarily someone else's way. We all have different personalities, goals, families... so we do what works best for us.

This is why La Yen's comment about "Pride of the Poor" was so interesting to me. I'd never been able to figure out how to articulate something that bugged me...and she did it in three words.

It's like crabs... because you aren't where you like to be ... that doesn't mean you need to drag someone else down to feel better about yourself. It's the whole idea of - who's opinion do you care about? That's what it comes down to. If you care more about what other people think of you - you'll always come up short. But if you care only about doing your best and understanding that life is NOT a competition or about reputations... you'll always find happiness...or at the very least PEACE (which is dang good).

I am by no means saying I don't have my bouts of insecurity - I do. But ... something about college changed all that for me. I became even less insecure with kids. It's almost as if... well screw them - if they can't be happy for me or supportive... don't need them. So I wonder... if those of us who do give a damn what everyone thinks of us...needs that... maybe we should be working on some quality self time...to overcome that insecurity.

But I do have a question... is curvy the new chubby? Because I get that "you're not fat - you're curvy" from my girlfriends a lot. (because... ok... the weight thing...that's a little insecurity I have... it is so annoying that I am bothered by it too)

CHEERS!

ps. Sorry I couldn't find a picture to go with this... if you think of one - let me know!