Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Voice

I am an expert at talking myself out of anything.

Yesterday, I knew that today was the last day this week I'd be able to breakaway for a work out. I knew this, but I listed a litany of excuses in my head, to myself.

1. You had a migraine this afternoon. All the bouncing around tomorrow can't be good for it. Plus, you have that horrible cough...not good to exercise when you're sick, right?!
2. You are tired. Yes, you're often tired, but you forgot to take your iron/vitamin B for the last few days, maybe you need to wait until it's back in your system.
3. Your house is a mess, you have filing to be done, you need to get things in order, or you could rest. Darling, you need a rest.

Today... that conversation was persistent, nagging, like a horrible millstone around my neck. The voice was at once soothing, and pernicious.

I had to listen to this voice the entire evening, and this morning, but I did it. I won. I made it to the gym.

I felt good.

Then I needed to tackle the bills and filing.

The voice started again.

1. You hate bills. They stress you out. Why don't you go take a shower, and rest a bit first.
2. That mountain of filing is going to give you another migraine. Take it easy today, you can do it tomorrow.
3. Have you seen the rest of the house? You need to do the laundry, straighten up the kids' messes, and there's baking to be done, menus to plan.

I knew to succeed I had to blow off that sinister voice in my head. Every suggestion from the voice had merit, but I knew I had to oppose each suggestion it made to succeed. So I sat down for the uninterrupted hour I had to myself and worked.

I was able to get so much done, even though it stresses me out, and though I think ignoring it will go away... which it doesn't.

I beat that voice.

After picking up the girls from school I needed to make dinner. I had decided what I was going to make, but the voice returned.

1. It's cold. You should just crawl under the covers and get warm, or rest.
2. You could go shower right now. Enjoy a nice, long, hot shower you love and then rest a bit.
3. Doesn't it seem like a chore to make dinner right now? I mean, you've done so much already, you've exercised, filed and paid the bills, you deserve to take a break.

That voice was so close to succeeding, because I hate being cold. Also, I really need a shower. I'm tired. It would be so much easier to just succumb to the voice.

As I was making dinner, I had an image of myself, clean, cozy in bed, sleeping dreamily away. Instead dinner is in the oven. To that voice... screw you - I won.

Some days are like this.

When it's dreary and cold outside, that little voice that wants to strangle my ability, my nerve, my responsibilities. The voice is seductive. It soothes, it persuades, it gently tries to steer me off my course. The voice doesn't stop, it is persistent, consistent and always present, even as I work to foil that voice's plan. There are days I fall to it's siren like song. Then there are days I struggle to overcome, and today was one of those days.

I don't feel particularly perky, or superhuman today. I feel tired, in desperate need of a shower, but I also feel a bit lighter. It's like the millstone has been removed, if only, for a moment.

That voice is really good at talking myself out of anything. Doesn't matter what it is. The voice knows me so intimately.

Sure, the times I overcome the voice may be few, but those are days worth fighting for, and worth getting up to do it all over again tomorrow.

1 comment:

Mrs. Organic said...

Way to show that voice who's boss. I have a basket of paperwork to go through and that voice has been winning, I think tomorrow I will tell it what to do.